Biden campaign doubles down on national mask mandate as Trump, Biden square off over COVID guidance

This is a rush transcript from “The Five,” August 14, 2020. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

NEIL CAVUTO, FOX NEWS ANCHOR: Heather, I want to thank you. In the meantime, we’ll be exploring this a lot more tomorrow when we explore how this is all reverberating with voters, and right now, with those who think they have a stake in this action. We are going to talk to the stakeholders tomorrow.

DANA PERINO, FOX NEWS HOST: Hello, everyone. I’m Dana Perino with Jesse Watters, Greg Gutfeld, Marie Harf, and Katie Pavlich. It’s five o’clock in New York City, and this is The Five.

The coronavirus taking center stage as the race for the White House heats up. President Trump and Joe Biden fighting over calls for a national mask mandate. Take a look.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JOE BIDEN (D), PRESUMPTIVE PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE: Every single American should be wearing a mask when they are outside. For the next three months at a minimum. Every governor should mandate, every governor should mandate mandatory mask wearing.

DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Today we saw Joe Biden continue to politicize a pandemic and show his appalling lack of respect for the American people, it’s what it is. At every turn, Biden has been wrong about the virus, ignoring the scientific evidence and putting left- wing politics before facts and evidence.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PERINO: The Biden campaign doubling down on the mask mandate with this new campaign ad.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Joe Biden knows we need to listen to medical experts and take action now. That starts by expanding testing, calling for mask mandates nationwide starting immediately.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PERINO: But for the third day in a row, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris did not take questions from the press at their event. And next week, all eyes will be on their virtual convention. But the president will not be taking a backseat. Instead, he is going to hit the road, campaigning in four key battleground states.

So, we have that to look forward to next week. But let’s wrap up this week. TGIF. Greg, I cannot resist asking you about a national mask mandate. Because I know this is one of your favorite things to say.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: Yes. I am tired of us seriously mask debating. It’s driving me crazy. Let’s step back for a minute, OK? Let’s step back for a minute. I couldn’t resist.

Trump — look, this is amazing comparison. Trump just ushered through an historic Middle East peace agreement. That might be Nobel Prize worthy. Who knows? I doubt it because it’s Trump but he brought Arabs and Jews together in a groundbreaking fashion. It’s pretty amazing and we are not leading off with it.

Instead, we have Joe essentially regurgitating what Trump’s own stance was. There is no daylight between them. Right? It’s like they took one of Trump’s older ideas and they put it through an incoherent language machine called Joe Biden, and then they pretended it’s news but it’s not news.

What news is this Middle East peace agreement? But it is. It does — it is kind of striking something so big and so huge and yet the candidate running against Trump is basically just plagiarizing one of his ideas and doing a terrible job. It’s like he wrote the idea out in crayon.

PERINO: So, I want to — that’s — it’s a great point. And I think I’ve talked a little bit about this before. Like, as the incumbent, you get to – – you get to make the news, like you have the bully pulpit.

So, Katie, let me ask you about the Trump team’s decision yesterday on the rollout of their historic agreement and then stepping on it later on by responding to Biden and Harris. And that then became the headline.

KATIE PAVLICH, FOX NEWS HOST: Yes. You know, Dana, having a campaign and moving forward while you’re trying to also govern and deal with foreign policy is difficult. You know, the Biden campaign is rolling out, it’s not like the president can respond to what is going on when he’s asked by reporters by giving these press conferences. And that’s the difference. The president is out there every single day answering questions from reporters.

But in terms of the policy, you know, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris have criticized President Trump for not getting on board with a mask mandate but they keep also saying that we need to listen to the doctors and the scientists.

Well, President Trump was listening to people like Dr. Fauci and Dr. Birx early on who were saying we should not be wearing masks. And now they’ve changed their mind on that and he has listened to them and also said that it’s patriotic to wear a mask but isn’t mandating it by the government.

Now not really clear how you can defund the police but then asked for a mandate that has to be enforced by who? Is it going to be a criminal liability here? Are you breaking the law if you don’t wear a mask and who is going to enforce it? The social workers as they have suggested.

So, in terms of asking questions of what they would do differently, would they have shut down the economy or would they have allowed it to stay open so people would have been more infected, as the administration argues?

I mean, they haven’t given really any details about they would’ve done differently as they throw stones and criticized the way that the president handled it with doctors like Fauci and Birx.

PERINO: OK. But Jesse, on the point of the fact that they — obviously we all know that the mask thing changed over time. But it’s clear that Biden and Harris have done a ton of focus groups and like figured out, like what do people want to hear? So, they may not really even want to hear the details. They want to hear apparently that they think a mask mandate seems to be good.

You saw that poll yesterday, 75 percent of all adults think that, and then they broke it down and it’s about 58 percent of Republicans. So, I feel like they were being strategic and rolling that out first.

JESSE WATTERS, FOX NEWS HOST: Perhaps they focus group tested it. I mean, I think people mostly want to follow the science. Now, they are trying to outflank the president with the big government approach.

Think about this. Joe Biden is saying if I go sailing or gardening or play tennis or take a stroll in my neighborhood and I’m not wearing a mask, I can be fined and potentially thrown in prison. I thought we want to keep the jail’s empty and I thought we want to recover from this economic hit.

It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, Dana. This thing spreads inside and everybody knows you keep six feet. This directly contradicts Anthony Fauci, the entire medical community. So, I’m just going to forget about it.

The guy flip-flopped on the travel ban from China, he flip-flopped on school reopening and he is for extended lockdowns. Joe Biden doesn’t know what he’s talking about. That’s number one. Number two, I looked at these battleground polls today because, you know, I’m kind of like a pollster in my free time.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: Trump is surging in battleground polls if you look at the Real Clear Politics average. Now he is down four points in the battleground states. That’s basically within the margin of error and you know how they jigger these polls.

PERINO: Yes.

WATTERS: I looked to this national poll, he’s now down just seven. He was down nine before. I looked at the national poll that came out. To the internals this is what I do. All right? I look to how they sampled it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: NPR, Marist, they have Biden up 11. They sampled non-white voters at 37 percent. You know how much non-white voters turned out in 2016? Twenty-seven percent.

PERINO: Right.

WATTERS: Where did they get the extra 10 percent? Where did they get that? Are they predicting an extra 10 percent of non-white voters are going to show up in this election? They can’t do that so they are just making it up out of thin air.

So, if you combine these juice polls and the and surge and the sunbelt trend going down with cases and deaths, and a massive Q3 number that’s going to come in while these debates are happening, I think the president is actually in the driver’s seat here.

PERINO: Marie, do Democrats hope that that’s what Republicans think?

MARIE HARF, FOX NEWS HOST: Look, I think both sides should run like they are ten points down always because there is some uncertainty —

PERINO: Yes.

HARF: — with polls certainly. And as a Democrat, I don’t believe the polls that have Joe Biden up by this much. I want us to run like we’re down. But the coronavirus is the single most important issue to Americans. It affects their health, it affects their economy, it affects their families, it affects everything.

And Donald Trump’s numbers across the board in multiple polls are really underwater on that issue. They don’t think he took it seriously at first. They think he’s not listening to the science. He attacks Dr. Fauci. He refuses to wear a mask even though he talks about mask wearing.

So, the Biden campaign — I agree with you, Dana — has probably looked at a number of polls and focus groups and know that the American people don’t think Donald Trump has done a good job responding to this. With over 165,000 dead Americans and the CDC is saying that we are going to have the worst fall in history.

And so that’s why they’re focused on this issue. I would love for them to talk about every issue under the sun but this is what the American people care about and they are not happy with President Trump right now. It’s a good strategic move.

PERINO: Well, mostly, they will have to start answering questions at some point. They are playing my song, the train is here, that means I’ve got a tease.

Coming up, President Trump is blasting Democrats and accusing them of holding up the coronavirus relief deal. We got some details on this, next on The Five.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

PAVLICH: President Trump slamming House Democrats, blaming them for holding up a deal on a new coronavirus relief bill.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: I have directed the secretary of the treasury to get ready and send direct payments 3,400 for a family of four to all Americans. Democrats are holding it up. That’s 105 billion to the states to help open school safely with additional PPE. Democrats are holding that up, right? It’s already to go. Democrats are holding it up.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PAVLICH: Millions of Americans desperate for economic relief from the pandemic will have to wait because instead of hammering out an agreement, Nancy Pelosi and Congress are going on recess for the rest of August. And it couldn’t come at a worse time, according to a new Fox poll. Fifty-seven percent of Americans want the government to lend them a hand.

So, Marie, the president was at the podium today talking about the compromises he’s willing to make. What are the Democrats willing to put on the table and walk away with besides what they have now?

HARF: Well, the Democrats passed a bill in May that would have addressed all of this. And so, they have put a plan on the table. And they’ve given some of the negotiations over the past few weeks. They have come down on a certain number of issues, on certain dollar numbers.

Republicans have moved on certain things as well, but Mitch McConnell also sent the Senate home until — the Republican-led Senate home until September. So it feels like both sides have moved a little bit but it doesn’t feel like there is a lot of inertia in Congress right now, Katie, to get anything done.

And you get conflicting information from President Trump. He is on this war of sabotage against the post office and says he won’t sign anything with money for the post office in it, yet we know the post office needs money. This is a key sticking point. So, I think Republicans are getting conflicting messages from President Trump, which is not helping.

PAVLICH: But Dana, if it’s a coronavirus emergency relief bill, is funding for the post office right now really relevant?

PERINO: Well, I think there’s a lot of things that are relevant. And I — you know, the fact that the president openly tied the post office money to the election, again, I go back to like, if you want to — if you want to rule the day on the story line that you really deserve a lot of credit for, which is the Middle East peace agreement between the UAE and Israel, you have to lead with it.

But if you give them lots of other things to talk about, they are going to talk about that. So, the post office thing is a huge lightning rod and it will be for the rest of the weekend.

But to the point that Marie said that when the House Democrats pass this bill in May, it’s called the Heroes Act, just a couple of things to point out. That the Republicans were like, why would we do this?

OK, $50 million for environmental justice grants, diversity reports for cannabis businesses, stimulus checks for illegal immigrants, tax cuts for wealthy New Yorkers and Californians. Eliminating voter I.D. requirements.

Now if I were the Trump campaign, I would focus on that, not so much the U.S. Postal Service. They want to eliminate voter I.D. requirements? Why don’t you push on that? There’s a trillion dollars for state and local governments that they wanted in there. The problem with that is that, from the money that was passed before, the states had not spent 75 percent of that money. At some point —

PAVLICH: Right.

PERINO: — somebody has to say stop. And that is what the Republicans were doing. I agree that the — that President Trump could help forge this deal but I also think that right now he has the upper hand. Unfortunately, it’s the American people who are being backhanded by the government. It is unfair to them. They want to work. They don’t want to be in food lines for six miles long in Dallas like we saw yesterday. They deserve a lot more from their government.

PAVLICH: Greg, I want to ask you about that number, 57 percent of Republicans saying they want a hand up from their government. I see that as it’s kind of like eminent domain, like compensation for the government forcing businesses and people to stop going to work. It’s not that they are asking for a handout. They are saying if you forced me not to go to work and you’re still forcing me not to go to work in a lot of places, so yes, you should pay me for it.

GUTFELD: Yes, you know, it sounds hypocritical to hear Republicans ask for something from the government. But what they are asking from the government is something that kind of belongs to them, right?

PAVLICH: Right.

GUTFELD: And it is appropriate to call —

PAVLICH: Yes.

GUTFELD: — it is appropriate that it’s called recess because we are dealing with children who cannot make adult decisions. I mean, we have a system that doesn’t fulfill its goals because you’re allowing, as Dana points out, these rioters to be globed onto these bills. So, it’s like, you know, I know it’s — I know it’s for COVID but we need free ointment for the nonbinary alpacas of Guatemala.

So, I think we have to like, there’s always has to be some kind of incentive or punishment for all of these actions. And we talk about this in the cities, the violence in the cities and the looting and we talk about this. There is no consequence for this stuff.

If you are one of those politicians who likes to tack things on to a bill, there has to be some kind of public humiliation. I don’t know what it is. It doesn’t have to be violent. I am basically a peaceful person, but it should be embarrassing.

WATTERS: No, I want to be violent. I’d like to.

GUTFELD: OK, you’d like to. All right, then it’s violence.

PERINO: What about canceling them? You could cancel them.

(CROSSTALK)

PAVLICH: Jesse —

GUTFELD: You cancel them.

WATTERS: I’m teasing.

PAVLICH: You could cancel them.

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: Do that —

PAVLICH: I think the alpaca reference is a little humiliating.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PAVLICH: We could come up with something better.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: Did I hear Dana right when she wants — the Democrats wanted millions of dollars to study why white people are in the cannabis business. Is that really something they are trying to tie into the coronavirus relief package?

PERINO: Exactly.

WATTERS: I don’t know, guys. It just seems like —

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: It’s diversity reports.

WATTERS: Yes, diversity reports. OK. Yes. I think everybody likes cannabis. Here’s what I think.

PERINO: No. No, no, no.

WATTERS: Not everybody. Maybe not you, Katie.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: That’s their edibles. Dana only does the edibles.

PAVLICH: Or Dana or Marie.

WATTERS: All right. This is way off topic. Let’s get back to the point here.

PAVLICH: Yes, it is.

WATTERS: The point is Donald Trump said something hilarious but true yesterday. He said negotiating with these Middle Eastern companies is easier than negotiating with the Democrats. But for the first time at least to me it seems like the Republicans are winning a messaging more around money. Like, we have set so many fiscal cliffs —

PERINO: Yes.

WATTERS: — shutdowns, relief drama. I’ve never seen a situation where it looks like the Democrats are being intransigent. The Democrats are blocking relief to the American people. And it’s almost being couched like that in the media.

So, the Democrats have totally miscalculated this. And to go on vacation, I don’t care who goes on vacation. Go on vacation. You are just going to get hammered by the president every single day in the five o’clock hour and it’s going to really do a lot of damage.

PAVLICH: There’s a, you know, weeks left in August. They could come back and work on separate bills and take out all these other things.

WATTERS: Separate bills.

PAVLICH: But I don’t think they’re going to do that. All right. Law and order versus chaos in our cities. President Trump continues to call out the violence. Next on The Five.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

WATTERS: President Trump touting a strong law and order message today, blasting liberal city leaders for their inaction. Take a look.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: Most of our country is running very well, even in terms of crime. Most of our country is setting records in terms of low. But when you look at Chicago, when you look at what’s going on in Illinois, in New York, and other places. Both economically and in other ways, it’s horrible. It’s horrible. Look at Oregon. Look what’s going on in Oregon. They have — I don’t think they have a clue. We could stop that. If they would request it, we would stop that problem in one hour, like we did in Minneapolis.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

WATTERS: It comes as unrest continues in big cities across America. In Washington, D.C., 41 protesters were arrested during clashes with police. And in Portland, cops have stopped protecting courthouse after the city refused to prosecute rioters.

And Chicago police are finally cracking down after widespread looting, as businesses are threatening to leave the city. And the chaos is no longer isolated to the cities.

A 5-year-old in suburban North Carolina was just laid to rest after being shot in the head while playing outside. And that alleged perpetrator was African American. The little boy’s name was Cannon. You have e not heard that story I don’t think anywhere on the big three networks.

All right. Greg, it looks like Macy’s now, says is pulling out of Chicago because of the chaos and the looting.

PERINO: Wow.

WATTERS: If you don’t have — if you don’t have Macy’s in a city, you don’t have a city. You’ve got to have Macy’s. What the heck is going on?

GUTFELD: Well, first, just to remark on the tragic, the murder of Cannon Hinnant. You mentioned why the media hasn’t touched it. I will tell you why the media hasn’t touched it. The racial makeup of this crime isn’t media approved for amplification. If it were reversed it would be another story.

So now I’m going to get very negative because the statistics tell an ugly story. These are not anecdotal reports. The statistics on shootings and murders this is not sporadic, it’s everywhere. The worst is yet to come especially regarding the George Floyd case.

The only hope we have right now is to slow walk the trial against the accused cop to say like 2023. So, people forget the spectacle because he in all likelihood is going to be found not guilty because they overcharged him like crazy.

And when all of those facts that they media ignored that will get before the jury, like the amount of drugs in the system — the amount of drugs in the system of the victim, the amount of drugs was lethal. You can create a sense of doubt that although the police acted poorly, they might not have killed him.

This is stuff that a jury is going to hear. This scares me because what we’re doing is, we’re setting up a population for something far worse and you can do the math. How many billions in property damage have we already seen? How many businesses and dreams have been destroyed? How many murders and shootings have happened in this crime wave? That was — we were told this crime wave was acceptable as a response to a video.

And this is not — this is not anecdotal. This is statistics. This is facts that are telling the story. You can do the math. The human suffering may only be beginning.

WATTERS: Yes. Dana, Greg mentions the cost. You know, we know the human cost. But just the financial cost, the report just came out that it looks like the riots and the protests and the looting as a result of this horrible situation in Minneapolis are going to cost more than the L.A. riots in ’92. I mean, we’re talking well over —

PERINO: Wow.

WATTERS: — a billion dollars to these cities mostly.

PERINO: Yes, and also, you know, there was a story in the New York Times, I think it was late last week or maybe — gosh, I’m losing track of the days. But it was about the many chain stores, retail stores that are moving out of places like Manhattan. And it talked about the pandemic a little bit but it never mentioned in the entire article anything about any of the crimes, any of the rioting any of the looting as being partly to blame for these big decisions.

And when you have big chain stores that leave a city, that means that smaller businesses suffer as well, because smaller businesses usually set up shop kind of around the bigger businesses. It’s one of the reasons that small businesses can thrive. And so yes, it’s going to cost a lot.

I want to mention one other thing that I am concerned about. It’s a trend that we should — that we should spend a little bit more time thinking about. And I don’t know who the inspiring figure would be to help fix this, but there is an ongoing problem between police departments and the prosecutors in these cities, because the police departments are recognizing that the prosecutors are going light on all of the perpetrators. So, they just release them, and then what happens on the Magnificent Mile in Chicago. There’s an organized caravan that comes in and does it all again.

So, the fact that there is not a strong prosecution is making the police’s job harder. And so I don’t know how you fix that. But that is a really big problem. And it is — there is a pattern. You can see it in the cities there is — you can pick out some similarities.

WATTERS: Yes. And a lot of these local DAs, Katie, want to be Democratic politicians. You know, you become D.A. there, then the A.G., and then you run for Congress and Senate, and that’s the pipeline. So, kind of, the more radical they are, the better they are with the far-left wing.

PAVLICH: And how does that serve the communities that they’re claiming to want to protect? And there’s also a problem on the front end with policing when police see the same criminals over and over again, but no, they’re not going to be prosecuted, so they don’t bother arresting them or patrolling certain neighborhoods because they know the prosecutors are either going to not follow through with the prosecution or give the person basically a free ride in terms of not serving out their sentence.

That happens in Chicago. You have Kim Foxx, the notorious Cook County prosecutor there dropping something like 25,000 felony cases, which is a significant increase from her predecessor. The police are very frustrated with that issue. And Greg is absolutely right in terms of this getting worse. When you have entire a cadet and incoming Police Department classes being completely canceled, police retiring in droves at levels that we haven’t seen before, who’s going to want to be a police officer?

And again, 81 percent of black communities want more police or the same number of police. And the city councils around the country are taking that away from them by forcing into retirement and not bringing in new police officers.

WATTERS: Yes, especially these wackos in Seattle, the City Council, actually to funding the police. Marie, we were told that the funding police wasn’t really a real thing, but they just did it. And now the police chief in Seattle just quit.

HARF: Well, they cut some funding. And I’ve also said I don’t agree with across the board cuts that aren’t strategic. But look what black communities want are to not be victims of police officers and a vigilante justice.

If we want to talk about whether people are prosecuted in this country, why have Breonna Taylor’s murderer still not been arrested? Why is there this revisionist history about what happened to George Floyd? We saw him be murdered on camera. Why of police officers who have killed innocent black men been not convicted of crimes, been let off the hook, been moved around to different precincts.

So, I’m sorry. Like, yes, rioters should be charged if they commit crimes and they destroy property. But I want that level of outrage I here on this show to be applied to the situations where if you are a black man in this country, it is exponentially more likely that you will be killed by police officers than if you are white. It doesn’t mean all police officers are bad, it doesn’t mean a majority of them are. But let’s have some outrage for those crimes not being prosecuted — getting prosecuted either.

WATTERS: Hey, I don’t know if you were on this show since the spring, but there’s been plenty of outrage, Mari. And to another point too —

HARF: There wasn’t in that segment, Jesse. In that last segment, there wasn’t.

WATTERS: Well, would you want to talk about the 5-year-old that was just executed in cold blood? I mean, he had a rap sheet for weapons and drug charges. Where’s the outrage there? And you know, Black Americans, sadly, are more likely to be killed by other Black Americans in these cities than police, all right. That’s a fact. Stick around. The “FASTEST SEVEN” is up next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

HARF: Welcome back. Time for the “FASTEST SEVEN.” First up, how far would you go for the perfect social media post? I want to know if THE FIVE would do this one. A Croatian designer is selling this virtual outfit for $700; you just can’t wear it. The company simply photoshopped the shirt on a picture of your body.

OK, Greg, I feel like this is right up your alley. Would you do this?

GUTFELD: You know, people are upset about the price. It is so worth it because you don’t have to buy clothes anymore, you can just have them digitized on for every photo. Think about how much money all you young women are going to save on wedding dresses. You can just show up at your wedding in your sweatpants and a T-shirt. Nobody asked to get dressed and you just — everybody gets digitized in the pictures. You save so much money. I love it.

HARF: Dana, what say you?

PERINO: Well, no, I wouldn’t do that. But I got caught — I’m embarrassed that I haven’t told this story to you yet. Last weekend, we went on these little paddleboards that we have and I really wanted to take Jasper. Well, Peter got Jasper on his board, and I took some pictures and they look so cute. And then I said, I really want a picture of myself with Jasper on the board. So we made it look like we are out in the middle of the lake but we were just like right by the shore.

But it all went really bad because I was sitting there, Peter finally got the picture, but then Jasper left off the board and I went face first, faceplant on the board, into the water, had to walk home totally soaking wet. And I said, if you realize how people could actually die getting an Instagram picture. Like that — I didn’t die, but I mean, like, I could see how it could happen. I’m embarrassed.

PAVLICH: I want the video. Where’s the video of that?

HARF: It was — it was a cute Instagram picture. It was very cute.

PERINO: I know. I think Peter was so — Peter was so worried that I would kill him that he did a video.

HARF: Perfect. Good husband. Jesse, what about you?

WATTERS: Yes, do it for the gram, Dana. I don’t know. This sounds like the Bitcoin of clothing, like it doesn’t really exist. A Croatian company is running a digital scam. I think A.G. Barr needs to get on the phone and start just slapping these guys with subpoenas. This thing is a total scam.

PAVLICH: Jesse, don’t be talking about my people like that, my Croatian brothers and sisters are doing just fine.

WATTERS: Are you Croatian? I’m sorry.

PAVLICH: Yes.

WATTERS: I love Croatia.

PAVLICH: It’s an interesting idea. I don’t — there are puppies on the screen. Those are cuter than the shirt, that’s for sure. It reminds me of those sticker books that you had as a kid like little girls and you take the dresses and stick them onto the dolls. That’s what it’s like.

WATTERS: Greg remembers those.

PAVLICH: And quite frankly, like as someone who shops at Ross and TJ Maxx, like I find this a little bit repulsive at a time when people are starving and standing in food lines.

PERINO: Yes, I agree.

PAVLICH: So, you know, whatever. People have the money — if the people have the money to do it, I would say, buy better things and donate them. Buy real clothes and donate them to people who need them.

HARF: Exactly. Exactly. OK, up next, you saw the puppies on the screen, some companies are treating pets like dependents offering a $300 annual stipend to employees who adopt a dog or cat. No word on whether the offer applies to creepy pets like tarantulas or ferrets.

OK, obviously, I have to start with Dana on this one, although Katie also has a very cute dog. Jesse does too, I guess.

WATTERS: Thank you.

HARF: Dana, what do you make of this?

PERINO: I think I might surprise you on this. I’m not for this. I think having a pet is great. But I think if there are perks that are to be given, I think that people who are raising little humans to be good citizens, I think the money should go to them.

HARF: Katie, your dog is also very active on Instagram, very cute dog. What do you make of this?

PAVLICH: Yes. Well, I really do agree with Dana. But I have to say like my dog is a very good stand up citizen. He’s very good on walks. He does — he likes to go run for office. So you have photos of him and all these places in Washington D.C. We call him the governor sometimes. I mean, I don’t know. He is like a little human for us.

I don’t have any kids. But no, I mean, I don’t think that you should be offering these benefits for a pet. However, I would take them if someone offered them to me.

HARF: Right, exactly. And Jesse, your dog actually has its own Instagram handle, its own social media presence, so I feel like this is right up your alley, maybe.

WATTERS: Yes, my dog, Rookie, probably has more followers than you, Marie. I mean, I’m sorry, but it’s true.

HARF: I’m sure — I’m sure Rookie does. I’m sure. I’m sure.

WATTERS: Yes, I strongly disagree with Dana Perino. Life is about perks. And whenever there’s a perk involved, I am all in. I’m going to — I’m actually claiming Rookie as a dependent this year on my tax returns and just forcing the IRS to bite.

PERINO: Great. You better hope that the future administration doesn’t come back.

HARF: This is why we have — yes, this is why we have strict tax fraud laws. Greg, last word to you on this one. What say you?

GUTFELD: I think the real story here is that pets are suffering the worst of this pandemic because they never expected in their short little lives to be around their owners for so long. Because they actually, they love — they love that nine to five absence, because then they could enjoy, have some privacy to experience the joy of sniffing soiled laundry or humping the leg of an ottoman.

Now you can’t do any of that stuff. You can’t hump the leg of an ottoman, you can’t sniff the soiled laundry, you can’t dig your nose into one of the slippers. I’m not just talking about the pets; I’m talking about me.

PERINO: It’s going to be awesome when somebody clips that.

PERINO: Gadsden does none of that. He does none of that. He’s very polite.

GUTFELD: Dogs do — dogs do sick things when you’re not at home. Trust me, I have cameras.

HARF: As you say, Greg, animals are great, right?

GUTFELD: They are. They are.

HARF: They are. OK, you know what day it is. That means “FAN MAIL FRIDAY” is up next. Stay tuned.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: One of the greatest songs ever written. Instagram question to start off from JJDSGSP. What a name. What is something you did as a child but wouldn’t even dream of doing now? Jesse?

WATTERS: Well, one thing comes to mind.

PERINO: I’m nervous about all these questions.

WATTERS: No, I mean, I can’t say any of these things. My mom and dad are going to get so angry. I can’t — I want to tell you, Greg. I’d maybe — if this was “RED EYE” I might — I might give you a little tease. But I’m not — I’m going to take the fifth on this one.

GUTFELD: Maybe that’s what it was. You will lose — you’ll stop taking things like the fifth. I don’t know. Dana, you’d probably were a nice kid so you didn’t do anything really bad?

PERINO: No, I think — well, I first of all, I can’t believe you just rick- rolled the entire nation.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: That is pretty incredible.

WATTERS: Sorry.

PERINO: I think I think that I would never do again is I used to love to get vanilla ice cream and I would put the powdered chocolate quick like all over it. And I cannot imagine doing that now. Like, I would never do that.

GUTFELD: You know, Dana, I think you’re going to get canceled over this. Once that news breaks, it’s over. You’re going to get canceled. Marie, what did you do as a child but wouldn’t even dream of doing now?

HARF: So, I loved huge roller coasters when I was a little kid. And I went back to Cedar Point in Ohio where I grew up to try and do this a couple years ago. And like the medium-sized ones I was good with, but the huge ones I was just terrified of. I have no idea when that changed, but I can’t do it anymore. I don’t know why.

GUTFELD: You understand risk. That’s probably what it is. Katie, how about you?

HARF: I think so. Yes.

PAVLICH: I’ve eaten a few pieces of chalk as a child.

GUTFELD: Oh, wow.

PAVLICH: I don’t eat chalk anymore.

GUTFELD: A chalk eater, a chalk eater.

WATTERS: Katie, that’s weird.

GUTFELD: Well, I did enjoy —

PAVLICH: It is weird.

GUTFELD: I did enjoy snacking a little bit on dried Elmer’s glue. You know, you would glue around, you’d put it on your hand, and then it would just dry out.

WATTERS: You must have sniffed it.

GUTFELD: No, I sniffed a lot of airplane glue.

PERINO: It all makes sense. It all makes sense now.

GUTFELD: My dad always said open the windows and I say why, dad. Anyway, that’s — I guess that’s mine. I was — yes, that’s mine. I was going to say pooping my pants, but well, I figured out, that just goes without saying.

WATTERS: You’ve had a great show today, Greg.

GUTFELD: Thank you. All right, YayaTLB asked — well, this is actually a really good question because you guys have to think about it. What was your last dream or nightmare about? Dana, you remember your dreams.

PERINO: I have one.

GUTFELD: OK, what?

PERINO: Yes, I had one just last week. So, I have sometimes I have discomfort in my thumb, and I think it’s because of doing the phone so much. But my mom has a little arthritis in her hands, and I went to bed, I guess I was thinking about it. Anyway, I had this dream that I had arthritis through my whole hand and that my hand hurt the whole night.

And then it wasn’t until about noon the next day that I realized that it was just a dream. I must have thought that I was going to have arthritis.

GUTFELD: That was a stunning, stunning revelation. Marie, what was your last dream?

HARF: Honest to God — honest to God, Greg, last night, I had a dream that I was hanging out with my high school friends but they weren’t wearing masks and I was very stressed about it. But then for some reason, Bill — wait, it gets better. For some reason, Bill Barr was there and I was yelling at him about how Kamala was going to be president and she’s never going to interrogate him again in the Senate. And it’s all in one dream. I swear to God.

WATTERS: What?

PERINO: Wow.

WATTERS: You need a vacation.

HARF: I know. I know.

GUTFELD: Katie?

PAVLICH: I don’t really remember dreams. Like, I’ll remember them while they’re happening or think about them, but then like, once I wake up, they’re over. So sorry, I don’t have a good nightmare story.

GUTFELD: Look at you. That’s too bad because —

PAVLICH: Like they’re really terrifying while it’s happening, but once it’s over, it’s like, gone, and I don’t remember.

GUTFELD: Do you know that, Jesse, dreams are designed for your brain to do trial runs on things that haven’t happened yet. So, when you’re dreaming of something, it’s actually so you won’t be surprised when it happens in real life.

WATTERS: Well, God helped me because I hope this dream doesn’t happen. Last night, I had a dream THE FIVE went on a camping trip. And we were hiking up to the mountains, and we got to this cabin. And everybody cooked dinner and we had a few drinks and then it was time for all of us to go to bed. But there are only a certain amount of bedrooms in the cabin, and Juan and I got stuck in the same bedroom. So, it’s time to go to bed. We’re brushing our teeth, and I have to share a bed with Williams.

PERINO: You did not.

WATTERS: So, I go like this, put the cover over like this, and put my head on the pillow. And all of a sudden Juan turns over to me and he goes, Jesse, it’s a bird, it’s a plane, and then I woke up. It was so scary.

GUTFELD: You had me.

PAVLICH: Who built the fire, Jesse?

WATTERS: Katie, you did.

PAVLICH: Did you built the fire or did I build the fire?

PAVLICH: You built the fire.

PAVLICH: OK, good.

GUTFELD: I keep — do you know what dream I keep having? That I have — I have to put my contact lenses in, but the contact lenses are as big as plates. And so, I’m at the mirror and I’m holding a plate and I’m trying to put this plate into my eye.

WATTERS: That’s deep.

GUTFELD: It is, totally. And then also —

PAVLICH: That’s weirder than eating chalk. That’s weirder than eating chalk.

GUTFELD: But the other one too is like you have — you’re in a house, an unfamiliar house and you can’t find the bathroom. But that’s the story of my life. “ONE MORE THING” up next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

PERINO: All right, it’s time for “ONE MORE THING.” But before we get started, THE FIVE just wanted to wish a very Happy Birthday to a special fan, Connie Ward. She’s turning 99 today and we can’t wait to wish you a happy birthday again next year when you turn 100. Have a great day.

And Jesse what’s your “ONE MORE THING?”

WATTERS: All right, I’ll be quick. “WATTERS’ WORLD” 8:00 p.m. We have Sarah Palin. She discusses what she thinks about the mistrust brewing between Kamala Harris and Joe Biden. Also, a guy named Sean Hannity will be joining “WATTERS’ WORLD.” Don’t miss it.

PERINO: All right, and Greg.

GUTFELD: All right, “THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW” tomorrow at 10:00 p.m. I got Scott Adams.

WATTERS: Drink.

GUTFELD: Yes, Dagen McDowell, Kat Timpf, Tyrus. That’s tomorrow night 10:00 p.m. Also, I’m doing like, I guess you call it a simulcast at the Nixon Library, where Hugh Hewitt will be interviewing me and they’ll take questions and discuss my book. It’s on August 19th, which is Tuesday, at the Nixon library, but you can watch it online. There you go.

PERINO: That’s great. That’s great. All right, I’ve been wanting to do this all week. So Snapchat has a new filter where they can take your dog and make it look like your dog is in a Disney movie. So not everyone here at THE FIVE has one. I do have Jasper — oh, wait, who’s that? Is that — is that rookie?

WATTERS: I don’t think so.

PERINO: Look, Jesse, that’s rookie.

WATTERS: That’s not Rookie.

PERINO: I think so. And then, that’s Jasper, obviously. Look at that little pumpkin. Who else do we have?

WATTERS: That’s Rookie. There he is.

PERINO: There’s a rookie. Did we have Gadsden? I thought we had Gadsden?

PAVLICH: No, but I did this the other day.

PERINO: There he is.

PAVLICH: Oh, there he is. It’s cute.

PERINO: He’s so cute. And we start our convention coverage this Sunday night at 10:00 p.m. Martha and Bret are anchoring. Katie and I will be there along with Bret and Chris Wallace and all sorts of other people. It’s going to be amazing but that’s it for us, we will see you next week. Take care.

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